Ever since April one year ago, when I last published anything on this blog I have been pondering one question in various forms:
“Will I be able to finish this PhD?”
That same question has also been asked by others. I’ve had a very caring person ask me to consider how much of myself I should be sacrificing for a PhD. But my motivation has also been questioned in a very harsh way, causing a lot of stress and anxiety.
Since I started my PhD in the fall of 2013 my family has gone through a lot, ranging from deaths to serious health issues to the births of 3 children, with more on the way. I have had a lot on my plate, to say the least. In the end it’s not a surprise that I’ve felt guilty of being distracted from my research. Our PhDs has a way of becoming the major thing in our lives. It’s even the only thing in some candidates life. But the truth is that the question isn’t if you have what it takes to complete your PhD or any other goal. It isn’t about why you can’t catch a break and focus all your attention on your work. In fact there is no question.
It’s just life.
Your life dosen’t enter a pause mode when you start your PhD. It keeps on going, sometimes at high speed and there is no getting off. You need to deal with the good and the bad as best you can. And you need to take responsibility for your own health and force the surroundings to realize that you are a person, and with that comes a life that has to be lived. Old-schoolers like to say that the PhD was the best time of their lives with freedom to do whatever excited them the most.
“You will never be as free as you are now”.
But even if that holds true for your research life it’s hardly ever the case for any other aspect of life.
I’m fantastically lucky to have two mentors that I can honestly discuss my PhD-life with. Recently they both told me: it’s YOUR PhD and YOUR life.
Take charge and make it work for you.
Now I’m here, looking back at my PhD and my life since the fall of 2013 and yeah, I’m proud. I didn’t deal well with everything that happened but I didn’t give up. And despite it all, I got a bunch of science done.
“I Norge møter jeg mange som tror de er immune mot tuberkulose etter å ha tatt BCG vaksinen, som tidligere var en del av barnevaksinasjonsprogrammet. BCG beskytter best mot hjernehinnebetennelse forårsaket av tuberkulosebakterien hos barn, men er ikke like god mot lungetuberkulose hos voksne. I dag er BCG kun en del av barnevaksinasjonsprogrammet for barn som har foreldre fra land med stor forekomst av tuberkulose.
Det er viktig å vite at du kan være mottagelig for tuberkulose selv om du er vaksinert.”
Les resten av min artikkel om tuberkulose og utviklingen av antibiotikaresisten på Aftenposten.no
English: This is an article I wrote on tuberculosis and antibiotic resistance for Aftenposten.
Som stipendiat i California fikk jeg observere både meslingeutbruddet og anti-vaksinebevegelsen på nært hold. Her finner du min kronikk i Aftenposten om temaet:
Jeg er flokken og vaksiner redder liv
English: I wrote this piece in the newspaper Aftenposten on the measles outbreak and anti-vaccine movement in California.
It was a quiet afternoon last week when I once again sat down with my best friend the microscope to look at some new samples. I’m currently trying to understand how a certain type of bacterium tricks our macrophages into believing it’s not really there. Macrophages are immune cells, the janitors or the body. They travel from the bone marrow to the tissues to clean up everything from dead cells to dangerous invaders. Some of these invaders are disease-causing bacteria that are able to evade detection and killing by our macrophages. I want to know how they do it.
For this specific experiment I was using macrophages with a GFP-tag attached to the protein I was interested in. This allows me to use a microscope to see if the protein in question is able to find the bacteria. If the protein appears close to or around the bugs it is a very strong indication that they are being sent down a specific pathway.
I was extremely excited about this. Over the last year I’ve found that this type of bacteria evade a range of proteins and it has led me to seriously question myself and my abilities. But from my own work and that of others we know of one specific protein that’s in place, the one guy who is actually doing his job. And if that protein is there, then this GFP-tagged protein would also be there.
So it was a quiet afternoon when I sat down with the microscope. And I could not believe it. Nothing!
And I mean nothing!
The protein that was so nicely targeting the control particles were nowhere near the bugs. Every scientist I have ever talked to has had this moment. The point during a project that if someone were to walk past the lab they would hear screams. Or possibly crying. Even hysterical laughter.
How DO you do that??
WHAT are you guys doing?
At that moment I realized that these bugs are invisible. Even though they glow so nicely red under the microscope the macrophages can’t see them. This realization does not in any way change my project, but it definitely changes the way I view it. I need to know why the proteins fail to find the bugs.
I seriously need to know!
Ever read this magazine?
It’s a scandinavian fitness magazine aimed mainly at women and this month I’m on the front page. I know what you think. No. I’m not that woman who somehow looks amazing through the sweat (is that even sweat?).
I’m the article circled in read!!
Let me give you a list of all the aspects of my job as a PhD student that I love. It really is a great ride but also incredibly difficult and I find myself easily sucked into the dark thoughts of how this will never work out, I’m the worst scientist in history and my project is not worth doing. I think it is time to will myself out of the dark places and focus on what I enjoy:
– First of all I get to think. A lot. Almost all the time, every day. I think, ponder, question, wonder. It’s a privilege.
– I get to look closely at microscopic organisms. I love looking at things. There’s just nothing better than looking at something amazing with your own eyes. I get to see cells, bacteria and even proteins. Or I get to see the light that the fluorophores I attached to those proteins emit when I excite them.
– This brings me to attaching fluorophores to proteins. I’m excited about that. I get to glue molecules together!
Is science the only place where people work around the clock and feel guilty for not enjoying it?
In finishing one degree and starting the next I have been following several scientists in later career stages for inspiration and advice. Over the years their insightful blogposts have offered me valuable tips and ideas of how to approach my work.
A few years back I had a much more healthy perspective and would say -to others and myself- that I want do science because I love it, but I’m not going to hurt myself in the process. Lately I have been questioning if my demand for balance, for having a life and having interests outside of science somehow makes me a bad scientist. Am I undeserving of my place at The Bench if I enjoy writing popular science articles more than doing the actual science?
Yeah, it’s stupid. And yeah, I feel stupid for feeling this stupid feeling.